


It's a Process

by apple_of_my_eye



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 15:04:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8895844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apple_of_my_eye/pseuds/apple_of_my_eye
Summary: Sirius stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas because he doesn't feel safe at home.Remus stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas because he didn't want Sirius to be alone.When Sirius has a nightmare, it is a curse and a blessing that Remus is there to help him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> There is some homophobic language.

It was Christmas time in the Gryffindor tower. Sirius and Remus had stayed for Christmas while James, Peter, and Frank had gone back home for Christmas.

The two left at Hogwarts were lounging in their dormitory room too late at night. It was the day before Christmas Eve and Sirius was half asleep. Remus was wearing one of Sirius’ Chudley Cannons t-shirts because all his t-shirts were in laundry, which caused teasing from Sirius at how willing Remus was to use one of his shirts. Secretly, the shirt-sharing made him sick. He was gay, and it wasn’t okay in his family. Remus wasn’t gay either, and why Sirius’s heart skipped a beat whenever he saw him was exactly what he couldn’t have. 

Sirius knew that Remus had a nice home he could go back to and he felt guilty that he stayed because of him. He had tried to convince his best friend that he could go home, but Remus insisted on staying. He couldn’t fathom why. If Sirius had had a family as nice as Remus’s, he would not want to go to Hogwarts. Sirius would stay at Hogwarts all the time if he could. He didn’t like his family, but he understood where they were coming from. His sexuality was tearing the family apart and he couldn’t do that. So, he just wasn’t gay. When he came out the day before his fourth year and he showed up to Hogwarts with the feeling of the Cruciatis Curse still in his veins, he decided to not ever come out again.

They were just hanging out in their dormitory. Remus was reading something that was not required for school, which Sirius couldn’t understand how he could become best friends with someone so bookish. 

“What are you reading?” Sirius suddenly inquired, sitting up and crossing the room. Their beds were opposite one another. Remus looked up.

“’Quidditch Through the Ages.’” Remus said, “You and James talk about Quidditch so much I figured I might as well learn about it.” Sirius smiled and collapsed on the bed next to him.

“Nice.” Sirius said, reading over his shoulder. “’Bring Back Our Baskets!’ Sounds fascinating.” 

“It is.” Remus said, his eyes returning to his book. Sirius couldn’t help but look at Remus’ concentrated face. Remus usually used magic to hide his werewolf scars, but since they were in their common room alone he could show them without questions. Sirius thought about how brave Remus has been throughout their five years here. He knew social interaction was not Remus’ strong suit, and was proud to be his friend.

“Wh-what are you doing?” Remus said, taking Sirius out of his thoughts. Sirius’ hand was brushing against this one particularly large scar on Remus’ forearm. He was basically stroking the werewolf’s arm. Sirius blushed and yanked his hand away, standing up abruptly.

“Sorry.” Sirius said under his breath, not sure if Remus heard him, and went back to his bed. He could feel his face turning bright red and he heard himself starting to hyperventilate. He couldn’t let Remus know. He needed to stop his advances. 

“Sirius.” Remus said, his soft voice cutting through Sirius’s rash panic. Sirius looked up at his roommate and took a deep breath in, forcing himself to calm down. After a minute, he was completely calm.

“I’m fine. Thank you.” Sirius said. His heart was still beating fast. He glanced up and saw Remus staring at him intently. Remus sighed.

“So, how have your studies been going?” Remus said, evidently trying to change the subject. Sirius gave a dry chuckle.

“It’s been interesting. I’m finding it hard to focus.” Sirius confessed, lying back on his bed.

“I can help you, I enjoy all of our classes.” Remus said. Sirius smiled. He couldn’t mind spending extra time with Remus. His heart sunk. He needs to stop this. His family would NOT approve of this. Without answering, Sirius crawled into his bed and bid goodnight to Remus. 

“Merry Christmas Eve, Sirius.” Remus said, turning off his light with a flick of his wand. Sirius let his eyes droop closed to the sound of Remus’s steady breathing.

 

In the living room of Grimmauld Place, Sirius was sitting on the couch, holding Remus’s hand. Remus leaned in for a kiss and Sirius felt a surge of elation. He felt Remus’s free hand come up to play with his long hair and rub his thumb over his face. The door banged open and his mother walked in, Regulus right behind. 

“You insolent, muggle-loving, blood FAGGOT!” His mother screeched, pulling out her wand. Regulus grabbed Remus out of Sirius’s hands, throwing him down on the floor.

“Don’t hurt him! Mother, please!” Sirius cried, trying to get to Remus. Regulus held him back as their mother brandished her wand and twirled it over Remus.

“Crucio!” She screeched. Remus squirmed and thrashed, screaming a terrible, terrible scream that Sirius knew would never leave his head. Sirius was screaming too, as his mother repeated the curse over and over. Regulus was shaking him as Remus convulsed on the floor. His mother stopped torturing Remus only when Remus stopped screaming. Sirius looked at the boy he truly loved, looking into dead, unseeing eyes. Sirius felt hot tears running down his cheeks and he kept screaming as Regulus kept shaking and shaking and shaking and shaking and

shaking and shaking and shaking. Sirius snapped his eyes open, sitting up and almost headbutting the person who was shaking him. He indeed was crying, hot crocodile tears were spilling out of his wide, open eyes and creating large tracks on his face. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he jerked away from it. He looked at the person who was trying to comfort him. Remus.

He launched himself away from Remus, not wanting the dream to come true. He needed to let Remus know that he couldn’t be Remus’s boyfriend, that he wasn’t allowed to be gay, but all that came out was a sob. He suddenly couldn’t breathe, his lungs feeling tight and his throat starting to hurt. 

“Sirius, let me help you.” Remus said, suddenly right in front of him. Sirius tried to shove Remus way, tell him that he couldn’t even be near him, but Remus gently grasped his hands. 

“M-M-Moony you can’t b-b-be with me you have t-t-t—” Sirius stuttered and gasped with deep inhales and small exhales, making his chest ache. Remus cut him off.

“Sirius, you’re safe. I’m safe. We are in the dorm room at Hogwarts. It’s Christmas, Sirius, and it’s just me here.” Remus said in his soft voice. Sirius was too far up into his panic attack to listen to anything Remus was saying. 

“You n-n-need to be safe. You c-c-can’t b-b-be with me. I’m g-g-g-gay, Remus. It’s-It’s-It’s not ok-okay.” Sirius said, his voice rising. Remus was silent, but he still held Sirius’s hands as he was shaking and breathing harshly.

“You are safe. Nothing is going to happen to you here. I’m safe.” Remus said quietly, but Sirius wasn’t paying attention. 

“No, no, no, no, NO!” Sirius shouted, his head shaking in succession with his outbursts. Remus started rubbing Sirius’s hands and it felt so good—so, so, so good.

“Sirius, you—” Remus said. Sirius still wasn’t paying attention, shaking his head and starting to scream.

“Moony, you’ve… I’ve… you gotta…” Sirius said, slamming his head back against the wall as his chest constricted. 

“Sirius!” Remus shouted over Sirius’s stuttering. Sirius closed his mouth and it was silent for a moment, the only noise being the pained breaths Sirius was taking, his whole body shuddering.

“M-M-M-Moony.” Sirius said, ungluing himself from the wall and leaning towards Remus. Remus collected him in a hug, dropping his hands and coming up to rub his back. 

“I’m here, Pads.” Remus said into his shoulder. Sirius brought his arms up to around Remus’s small, scar-littered body. 

“I’m gay, Remus.” Sirius whispered. Remus nodded.

“That’s okay.” Remus said. Sirius’s breathing hitched and wet Remus’s—his—Chudley Cannons shirt. Remus rubbed Sirius’s back until the long-haired Gryffindor calmed down, his breathing slowing and his tears coming to a stop.

“It’s not okay, Remus.” Sirius said quietly, burying his face into Remus’s neck.

“It’s perfectly fine, Pads. You can be whatever you want to be. Whoever is telling you that it’s not okay isn’t a person who cares about you.” Remus said. 

“My mom really doesn’t care for me, does she?” Sirius said, his voice thickening with tears. Remus shushed him, pressing a kiss to his head. Sirius pushed Remus away from him.

“Sirius, I’m sorry. I didn’t—” Remus said. Sirius could see the hurt in Remus’s deep eyes.

“No, Remus, it’s just…” Sirius said, feeling like he had messed up. He felt a hand under his chin and lift his head up.

“Pads, is that what you dreamed about?” Remus asked. Sirius sighed and nodded his head.

“You and I were, uh, we were dating, and my mom caught us uh… kissing…and she started torturing you and oh my god the screaming and Remus please—” Sirius said, his breath leaving him all over again. 

“Shhh… I promise I won’t let anything bad happen to me or to you.” Remus said. Sirius looked up at him. The look in Remus’s eyes made him give up. He forgot his mother. He forgot the nightmare. He forgot his pain. He lunged for Remus and wrapped his arms around Remus. Remus hugged back, working his fingers through Sirius’s tousled hair. Sirius pressed a kiss to Remus’s forehead and felt his smile. Sirius yawned.

“I’m gonna go back to bed.” He said, not letting go of Remus.

“Sounds good. I’ll join you.” Remus said, standing and bringing Sirius with him. Sirius lay down, making room for Remus. As if by magic, the bed seemed to expand to make room for the both of them. Remus covered them with the comforter and snuggled up to Sirius, who happily pressed his face into Remus’s chest. He looked up to Remus who was still playing with his hair. Sirius hated himself for loving the feeling of his roommate’s hands in his hair, relapsing from his rush of adrenaline from a few moments ago. 

Sirius so desperately wanted to believe Remus when he said that he won’t let anything bad happen, but the sick feeling in his stomach he got always made him revert to his “I want to die” side.

“Merry Christmas, Padfoot.” Remus said softly. Sirius’s heart melted and he needed to make a decision.

Sirius looked up to Remus, leaning up to connect their lips. Neither of them pulled away for a long time.

It’s a process, Sirius thought.

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooo this is one of my favorite things I've written and I could use constructive criticism. 
> 
> If anybody needs to talk my tumblr is http://galaxies-and-smelborp.tumblr.com/. Message any time, lovelies.


End file.
